This week has been full of words, which is very exciting. I’ve divided them up topically to stretch them out a while because if there’s any time to delay gratification, it’s when there are new words to roll around in your mouth. And if there’s a time to slip into gratification like you’re naked and greased up, it’s the opportunity to chat with Honu Girl about Pac Man and dirty words. So let’s talk dirty words. Really, I’m not kidding about the dirty.
Honu Girl and I spend a lot of time talking to each other via Google chat and she’s really great at creating interesting taglings. I’ve had days of conversation based on her taglines and early this week she was asking the world, “Is Pac Man coprophagic?” My first response, driven by instinct, was “No!”
Coprophagy is the practice of eating feces– something that animals do, but not humans. Some people over at Scalzi’s Whatever are using Pac Man’s eating habits to defend and refute his (Pac Man’s, not Scalzi’s) basic mammalianness by talking about whether or not the little white dots being eaten and reset in each level of the game are somehow indicative of coprophagia. I don’t know about you, but it bothers me on a really fundamental level that Pac Man might eat shit.
Other levels of being bothered include learning about the boyzillian on Word Spy. Women get Brazilian waxes, making sure all or nearly all their pubic hair is ripped away in a baby-powder and hot-wax extravaganza of crazy. Okay. Women do crazy stuff. But the idea that men would do this too floors me. I mean, just anatomically speaking, aren’t mens’ areas more sensitive on the surface of things? Pubic topiary is pretty stupid no matter who’s doing it, but to go through all the pain and irritation? On your balls? What the fuck? Insert other remarks as needed here about the questionable reasoning behind wanting to have sex with a person who has no pubic hair, the most certain sign of sexual maturity.
That was it, really, until yesterday afternoon. I wanted a third word to bring things up to a nice odd number and I asked Honu Girl for suggestions, or if she’d seen anything. The conversation when like this:
Sarah: what’s something else really really nasty?
Honu Girl: a dirty sanchez?
Sarah: that makes me uncomfortable because it’s just so improbable, you know? I mean, who would do that? Nobody.
Honu Girl: There are people out there who would do ANYTHING.
And this led to a discussion of felching that may or may not have anything to do with Screech’s sex tape. It’s notable that my BFF Dictionary.com doesn’t list “felch” as a word, suggesting instead that I might have misspelled “filch.” Over at Urban Dictionary there are seven entries for felch and not a one of them is work safe. Marcie though, who I know via Honu Girl was blessed enough never to have encountered this word. Like millions of the rest of us, it probably never occured to her to felch a sex partner, or to be felched by one. Really, like the dirty sanchez, to whom does it occur that sex fluids, not all that tasty to begin with, might taste better on the way back out? I have no idea, but I guess they can take comfort in how much they have in common with Pac Man.
Okay! To sum up: disregard feces, especially in video games; have sex with grown-ups, and hairy ones at that. And after you’ve had the sex, if you’re hungry, just go get a sandwich.
