Cross-posted from mah eljay, like usual
Once upon a time there were Petrellis. And all the Petrellis had dark hair and pouty lips and crazy superpowers. Some of the Petrellis were smart, like Arthur, Angela and Sylar (who only recently gained Petrellihood, but he’s tall, dark, pouty, and ultrasuperpowered, so they let him hang around and defenestrate his siblings). Some of the Petrellis were not so smart, like Peter. Some of the Petrellis, like Nathan, had better things to think about than superpowers which is grounds for being defenestrated. There were honorary Petrellis, like Elle (pouty and superpowered, but unfortunately blonde) and Matt (tall, dark, and superpowered, but too plucky to be pouty and fat enough to ruin the line of a nice double-breasted suit) and Claire (technically a genuine Petrelli, but they don’t want that getting out on account of it makes family dinners even more awkward, what with everyone saying, “Can you pass the UST, I mean mashed potatoes?).
The Petrellis had a TV show. That TV show was called Heroes. And week after week, decreasing millions tuned into to wonder why they kept watching. And also to hope that they might get a gander at one Zachary Quinto without his shirt on.
Sometimes we watch because of non-Petrellis, like Hiro. Hiro is short, Asian, superpowered and hasn’t had any UST for two years since Sylar killed his almost-girlfriend. Or because of Mohinder, who is average, Asian, only lately superpowered, and unfortunately growing a chitinous exoskeleton since Sylar killed his girlfriend, took him for a cross-country murder spree, joy ride and bromance, broke up with him, then tried to kill his other girlfriend, who then turned against him after he, Mohinder, tried to kill her, in a fit of pique that may or may not have been to win back Sylar’s attention. Oh, those poor non-Petrellis. They may be pretty in a non-Petrelli way, and they may have the cred that comes with being America’s heartthrob or you know, growing an exoskeleton with dignity, but it’s too bad they just can’t be worked into the primary narrative.
Which begins in Africa and jumps directly to a chicken and waffles bowling alley in Japan! Hiro is mentally ten years old, in search of waffles, and you can apparently activate his power by pinching his eyes. Which, 1: OW! 2: Shit, no. 3: Owww! I think it’s a pretty tall order to get us to believe that Ando can pinch Hiro’s eyes to activate his powers, as well as that Hiro and Ando need to do a bit of role reversal and go get some copies of 9th Wonders to read to pick up the thread of the plot. Who the hell is drawing them?! ISAAC IS DEAD. Notably, Isaac is one of the few characters to get double teamed by the Petrellis: Peter stole his girlfriend, then Sylar killed him.
Nevertheless! Hiro and Ando spend their episode mostly at the Soul Food Bowl-o-Rama, talking Star Trek and eating waffles with ice cream. I’d say it was more like they were stoned, not 10. And that plot doesn’t go much of anywhere.
Neither does a Pretty Petrelli Princess subplot, where Claire and Peter flee from two Petrelli-henchmen, Knox and Flint. It’s the seven thousandth verse, same as the first. They’re each other’s heroes. They don’t want to see the other make a mistake. They’re just trying to protect one another. They’re just trying to do what’s right. They’re just what’s making all the holiday get together so damn uncomfortable, with their gazes and their emoting and their clench-teeth ham-fisted “acting” and plans that ALWAYS involve jumping out windows. Can you imagine the glazing bill? I shudder to think. Is it Christmas? Are the windows broken?
From that point, there’s no place to go except up the Petrelli ladder toward “smart.” Angela is in a coma and therefore can’t help any of her offspring advance the plot. Unfortunately, the coma is psychically induced, not emo-juice induced as many Petrelli comas are, and so she can’t just snap herself out of it. Luckily, Matt stumbles in and can use his powers of Psychicness and Soothing Optimism and Non-Threatening Large Solidity to help her out. And he does, in a dream sequence right out of The Exorcist 3. Even though another non-Petrelli, Daphne (small, blonde-but-attempting-dreds) is acting as an agent of Other Petrellis and tries to both stab him and confess her love. Really, it’s a testament to just how stupid the writers think we are that after approximately 3 days of interaction including an airport stalking, an anthropomorphized tortoise, a double-cross, and a psychic stabbing, Daphne can confess her apparently true love and have Matt take her seriously.
But the really good stuff, and here I may have to drop my whole As the Petrellis Turn shtick, is Sylar. Oh, Sylar! And Elle! Sylar and Elle! Arthur tells Sylar that his hunger isn’t for powers, it’s for power. Get it? I know. I just now got how lame it was because I was so excited to be watching Sylar breathing and blinking and watching the guy wash the windows. Because really, the man is beautiful when he watches things and also thinks. There are few men who can be that gorgeous while maintaing basic metabolic processes. What was I saying? So Arthur and Sylar walk down the hall to where Arthur will teach Sylar, his long-lost serial killer son, to access his empathy and by doing so, be able to take powers without killing. He says nothing about stealing other people’s girlfriends or boyfriends though. Wouldn’t want to write ourselves into a corner, now would we? They walk down the hall and Arthur pushes Sylar into a dark room and shuts the door behind him. There’s Sylar. Alone in a dark room. With Elle. WHO PROCEEDS TO LIGHT HIM UP WITH ENOUGH VOLTAGE TO MAKE HIM GO DR. MANHATTAN. Cut to commercial!
Returning from that commercial break, Elle is mad at Sylar because he killed her father. And had the temerity to act like he’d like to be her boyfriend while she was trying to sucker him for the Company. He accepts full responsibility and they have a Big Blue Showdown of Screaming S & M Contrition. Cut to commercial!
When next we see Sylar and Elle, she’s done deep fried him. He tells her take it all out on him, because he can take it. What he’s really saying is, “I. LOVE. YOU.” And with these two it almost works on account of they have a history, and that history involves pie and ziti, like a nice normal couple, not tortoises. They have a moment of tearful deep-fried semi-nudity. She begs him to kill her. He releases her chains. OH THE SYMBOLISM. She weeps. He crawls toward her, displaying a tasteful amount of chest hair. They have the following exchange:
S:I want to be a good person.
E: You’re a monster, just like me.
S: No, your father made you this way, just like my mother made me. We were never good enough for them, Elle. Words words words that I forgot to transcribe because I was too busy swooning.
E: I only saved you so we could use you, like a lab rat.
And then, and I may have missed a little bit because of hyperventilating and my eyes rolling back in my head and all the squeeing, he strokes her and comes away with her power. I think he touched her boob; I really do. Then they lean against a wall and have a cry and talk about what better people they’re going to be now that they’ve learned empathy and avenged parental death and gotten over the whole tipped over the edge into serial killer-dom via pie and lost love. The play with electricity. !!! Sylar says he hasn’t got the hang of it. !!! They stand and Elle tries to teach him how to throw electricity, and be spunky like her, except she says, “Put some English on it” and I would’ve suspected they’d put some ranch on it, given all the deep frying, but then they stop and gaze into one another’s eyes and cut to commercial! In the end, I think we can agree that they’re wielding the Electricity and How to Work It metaphor like an Acme Brand 2 Ton Anvil, but it’s so hot and awesome I don’t even mind.
In the end, the Petrellis have split into two factions. There’s Arthur at Pinehearst, with a set of moral free agents: Sylar, Elle, Flint, Tracy and Knox. And there’s Angela, at Primatech, with a set of good guys: Peter, Daphne, Claire, Nathan and Matt. There’s a montage. Everyone pouts while Mohinder gives a voiceover (but I don’t think they’re pouting because of Mohinder’s voice over, although you couldn’t blame them, right?). I think we know how this ends: Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
Next time: Petrellis without Powers! Will they still be pretty? Who will jump out the windows? I predict much pouting.
